From the archives of the "To Read Makes Our Speaking English Good" Department here at the Indie Round-Up, we present these promotional blurbs from some of the musical artists and music services that have come to our attention.
Musical talent doesn't necessarily require facility with the written word – we understand that. Still, we can make fun of these folks, because their fabulous phrasings were submitted in official press releases or biographies, and written by people whose native language is, presumably, English.
Nevertheless, the band and company names have been changed to protect the stupid.
"Exploding onto the music scene, this amazing new guitarist is storming the industry and catching the music world on fire."
"Barrie, Ontario, Canada hasn't been and still remains an unknown entity when it comes to hip hop venues."
(Hm… nor will it have expected to becoming one upon the future, I guess…)
"Horse Pickle Entertainment, as created and launch a new website to better help unsigned artist and bands of all genres types to promote and sell there music."
(Translated by a computer from the Chinese? I wish. Amazingly, you can actually figure out what they mean. And what a fascinating, original idea it is, too.)
"Once again Big Stomp Gargoyles, the band of illegal rock combatants is embarking on a mission to spread their word by trudging westward to create awareness of who they are and what they represent."
"As the landscape of music is carved throughout time, the work born solely to contribute to that progression is something to be appreciated."
"This record hearkens the classic rock sounds while giving it a kiss of modern sounds that fans of music young and old can get into."
"The band's unique sound unraveled in the studio as their fresh songs were warmed to a timeless glow by vintage sensibility."
"While her years on this earth are few, the directions in which her life has traveled are many aiding in her ability to possess her varying musical personalities."
"I believe our strident career choices have helped us to succeed outside within the industry's new paradigm."
From an indie label: "We are driven to succeed on our own terms and bring new texture to the bland pourage that is the pop music soundscape."
And finally, this modest jewel:
"Carmine Garbanzo is making a name for himself with a songwriting and performance style that's definitely listener-focused."